Feels Like Home
by Katherine Elaine
Summary: Dalton!Verse - Unsure of how to react to Logan, Julian shuts himself away in fear of Logan's confessions. But Julian has confessions of his own to make. Rated T for language. All characters belong to CP Coulter from Dalton.
1. Chapter 1

"Seriously? Forget the essays for a while or I'll have Blaine come in and lose them for you." There, he'd said it. Logan never thought it would come to this, never thought he would have to pose a threat in order to get Julian to pay attention to him.

"I can't," Julian explained. "Finals are coming up. I still have so much work to do, and so much studying."

Logan sat up, displeased. "I can help you."

Julian merely shook his head. "No, I don't need any distractions. We'll just end up talking and getting carried away..."

He felt warm breath tickle across his neck as the blonde spoke. "What's wrong with getting carried away?"

"What's wrong is that-" Julian spun around in his chair "-this is bordering on harassment, Logan. I told you I needed space to study, I can't hang out with you every minute. I don't understand what's up with you lately!" He stood, pacing the room before Logan spoke again.

"I was unaware it was against the rules to want to spend time with a friend that you haven't talked to in weeks," he replied coldly.

"It hasn't been weeks. You're here every day."

"And that's a problem?"

Julian's only response was a glare.

"I'm trying to make this easy for you. You can't just study all day and all night. You need to relax. Remember last year when you did this, and you had your little nervous breakdown?" His voice was getting louder now.

"Yes." _How could I forget?_

"Who was there for you to pick up the pieces? Who was there to drag you away from the work to loosen the tension?"

"You, but that was last year. This year, I only have-"

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU FUCKING HAVE!" Logan shouted. "You're so god damn self-fucking-centered that you can't see what's in front of you! It's not about you this time! It's not about the grades, or the studying, or the papers."

"Then what is it? What is it, Logan? Tell me. Tell me what I did to deserve you standing here yelling at me aimlessly."

"You're a pushover. You do what you're told. You're a goodie-two-shoes, and you know it. You're studying to the point where you can probably repeat the entire textbook backwards. You follow all the fucking rules, you never take any risks. You don't even know the meaning of fun anymore. And I don't like it. I don't like it at all."

Julian froze, turning on one heel to face his friend. "Logan, I know what you're like and something's up. Maybe I follow the rules because I'd rather not turn out as pigheaded and ignorant as you."

_I'm ignorant?_ Logan thought to himself.

"You're not easy to get along with," Julian continued, "you never have been. Not even to your closest friends. You're so guarded. You show such little compassion that – well, people talk. I thought I knew you. I guess I was wrong. Maybe I was just pitying you, hoping this was just some weird phase that you'd get through. I'm done with hoping." He headed back to the desk and started packing up his things.

"Don't go."

He turned to Logan. "Why? You wanted me to be fun? I'm packing up my things. I'm going. Without me around you can have whatever kind of twisted fun you want."

"Now who's ignorant? You're not exactly a picnic yourself, Larson. You're not perfect. You have just as little tolerance as I do, but more patience. You have less self esteem and you never show any feelings in any situation as often as possible."

When Logan paused, Julian only nodded, encouraging him to go on. "I hate the way you look through people that try to help you. I hate the way you shut me out when you're busy. I really hate the way you just never notice any of the little things going on around you. You wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and punched you in the face. But I see through all of that, I see that you're just struggling like the rest of us, and even though you're pushing me away slowly, I love you. You remind me of everything I know and miss. I love the way you smile at me even when you're mad. I love the way you're so incredibly oblivious. I love the way my room smells like you for hours after you leave. _Why can't you just fucking see that?_"

He turned to leave the room, but froze in the doorway at the sound of Julian's voice.

"Lo?"

"Jules."

"Why me?"

He paused before answering, taking in the surroundings, committing the moment to memory so that he would remember what his first heartbreak felt like.

"Because you feel like home."

Logan was by no means an easy person to get along with, not even for his closest friends. He kept his heart guarded, his feelings well-hidden, and showed such little compassion that people often wondered if he knew there was such a thing. The truth was though, that Logan wasn't at all a bad guy. He was just struggling with other issues like everyone else.


	2. Chapter 2

He had been avoiding Logan all week since the incident over his studying habits. And although he knew Logan wouldn't be pleased, he wasn't ready to face him and tell him the truth. He wasn't afraid to talk to him, he was afraid of being the one to confront him. Fortunately, their next conversation began with a confrontation from Logan.

"I know you've been avoiding me," Logan began softly, "and I know why. Just because I say something stupid and out of line doesn't mean anything has to be different."

Julian stopped him. "Everything has changed." He turned back to the notebook he'd been writing in for the past twenty minutes. "And you were entitled to express yourself."

"I guess, but you're making a big deal of it. It didn't mean anything." Julian felt as if a bolt of lightning had just struck him, and the shock jolted his whole body into some weird state where every part of him hurt, both literally and metaphorically.

"Really? Nothing?" Julian laughed in disbelief. "You're not like that over nothing."

"Okay, it's something. But a stairwell in a crowded school isn't the place to talk about it. Coffee. After school. We'll catch the soccer game if you want. God knows you could use some fresh air."

Julian smacked his arm playfully. "Yeah. Sure. It's a date. Well… I mean… Err."

Logan laughed in response though. "Forget it, I know what you mean." He was just happy to be talking to him again. He'd never had a lonelier week in his life.

xxxxx

They weren't particularly interested in the game though, when the time came. They sat in the stands, talking over coffee and Julian appeared to be doodling along the margins of his notebook.

Logan broke the silence finally. "I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "I'm sorry I've been so weird. I really don't know what I was thinking. I just shouldn't have said anything."

"I'm still not following." Julian looked puzzled.

"Look, I'm trying here. I'm not very good at any of this. I suck at apologies because I've never admitted I was wrong. I suck at talking to you because I've never been in a situation this weird. And you're not even listening. I have a good mind to rip that notebook out of your hands and see what's so important that you've been ignoring me for the past week with your nose in it every second."

"Pretty sure you don't want to do that."

"Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe it's full of your secrets. Maybe if I read it I'll find out who you really are and it'll 'change everything' again," Logan snarled before he stood and left.

Julian stood to follow him, but decided it was best for once that he shut his mouth.

xxxxx

Logan had just woken up from an afternoon nap, trying to force out thoughts of the afternoon by replacing them with dreams. But the memories were back as soon as he opened his eyes.

There was a scratching sound outside of his dorm room door. Shuffling, scuffling, footsteps. A sniffle. He dragged himself out of bed to investigate. An envelope lay on the ground, leaning against the doorframe. He closed the door, sitting back down on his bed, as he opened it. Inside was a sheet of ruled paper, folded into three equal parts. It covered in ink from a fountain pen that had either leaked or been used to cross out things until the paper was about to rip. The letter had come unsigned, but the writing was more recognizable than ever.

_Logan,_

_You wanted to know what I had to say, so here I go. I've spent so many hours writing pages and pages trying to explain this, when I could have done it in just a single sentence. The words just won't come out. Please forgive me._


	3. Chapter 3

"When you said I felt like home, what did you mean?"

Logan almost spit out his coffee. "How did you get in here?"

"Dodging questions again, I see," Julian sighed. "Back to your old self then I assume? Your door was unlocked, obviously."

"Can't be. I locked it after I got in to keep trespassers like you out."

"It's hardly trespassing if you want me here. And you might wanna get a new lock if that's the case." Julian flopped onto the chair a few feet from Logan's bed. "You gonna answer my question or not?"

"What was the question again?"

"What makes me feel like home?"

Logan cringed. I shouldn't be saying any of this, he thought. _I should be out that door, leaving him to wonder._ But he couldn't move even if he'd wanted to.

He composed his thoughts, and began to explain in the only way he knew; he sang.

_How do you feel? That is the question  
>But I forget you don't expect an easy answer<br>When something like a soul becomes initialized  
>And folded up like paper dolls and little notes<br>Y__ou can't expect a bit of hope_

_So while you're outside looking in  
>Describing what you see<br>Remembe__r what you're staring at is me_

_How much is real? So much to question  
>An epidemic of the mannequins, contaminating everything<br>We thought came from the heart  
>But never did right from the start<br>Just listen to the noises  
>Nu<em>_ll and void instead of voices_

_Before you tell yourself  
>It's just a different scene<br>Remember it's just d__ifferent from what you've seen_

_I'm looking at you through the glass  
>Don't know how much time has passed<br>And all I know is that it feels like forever  
>But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home<br>Sitting all alone inside your head_

Julian knew he'd left out some parts, and supposed he'd just wanted to make the thing as quick as possible. But something didn't add up. He couldn't make sense of it.

"I... I don't understand, Lo," he said at last.

"You remind me of everything I used to know, before I got here," he gestured vaguely around him, indicating the school. "I remember lazy afternoons of doing nothing. I can remember sharing glances with people I hardly knew that would later become my closest friends. I remember the smell of my old room – it smelled like yours does; the colour of my neighbour's hair – the same as yours; the sound of my brother's laugh when we'd playfight – so much like yours..." He trailed off in his thoughts.

"Does it hurt you to remember?"

Logan shook his head. "Not at all. I miss those times. I miss the feeling of someone caring for me the way all of them used to. Everyone just feels so distant now."

Julian took his friend's hand, squeezing it tight as he walked to the bed to sit beside him. "I'm still here." His unspoken words hung in midair: _I'll never leave._

Logan's eyes started to sting and he could feel the tears forming. Pulling his hand away, he rested his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands. Julian loosely put an arm around his shoulders, rubbing his back in small, comforting circles.

Logan choked on the words, but they came out. "You're all I have left."


	4. Chapter 4

Since when had Logan ever felt alone?

He'd always had someone with him. Even being stuck in a room with Blaine was more enjoyable than this silence. It had been seven days since he'd confessed his feelings for Julian, three days since they'd spoken and seventy-four minutes since they had exchanged glances in the hall between classes...

And not a second had gone by that Logan hadn't missed him.

He sipped his coffee slowly, rubbing his eyes, which stung due to his recent lack of sleep. For the first time in years, he was paranoid. Logan has always assumed that the feeling was mutual between them, but clearly he had been wrong, judging by Julian's behaviour.

Julian had been avoidant ever since Logan had cried on his shoulder that day. Maybe it had scared him, and Jules didn't know how to handle the responsibility of being quite literally everything to someone. Or maybe he just didn't want to be dragged down by Logan's emotional baggage.

His coffee cup now rested on the table at his bedside, next to an old family photo from his childhood, back in the days where everything felt alright, when there was no problem that couldn't be fixed and no pain that didn't heal with a band-aid. Back in the days when the only competition he had was who could finish their math test the fastest, and the best feeling was being at the highest point possible on a swingset. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes.

_No._ He wouldn't let this happen. He pulled out his phone absentmindedly - one new message. His heart raced before he opened it… and was disappointed to find out that it wasn't Julian at all - it was Derek.

**From: Derek**  
>Dude, just go talk to him. He obviously wants you to.<p>

**To: Derek**  
>Then why is he ignoring me?<p>

**From: Derek**  
>Because he wants you to talk to him first. That much was obvious, even to me.<p>

He didn't bother replying, but stormed out of his dorm, not stopping, not even looking up until he reached Julian's class, which was about to end in five minutes. And there he was - sitting at his desk, staring off into the dead space before him, just barely paying attention to the lesson. His next message was sent without really thinking.

**To: Julian**  
>Larson. Look up.<p>

As Logan watched through the window on the door, he was Julian's confused stare at the screen on his phone before opening the message. His head snapped up, eyes darting toward the door almost immediately.

**From: Julian**  
>What? Why are you here?<p>

**To: Julian**  
>Never mind. You've got a few minutes of class left. Just pay attention. It's painfully clear that you're not.<p>

**From: Julian**  
>My mind has been all over the place today. History really isn't interesting me right now.<p>

Though it tortured him, Logan didn't reply. Because if Derek was right, Logan was going to make this as difficult for Julian as it had been for him over the past three days. When the class ended, Julian was the first to stand up. He made his way over to Logan, who was standing outside the door against the wall on the opposite side of the hall. "Eager to escape, are we?" he teased.

"You have no idea," Julian muttered.

"Look, I'll make this as quick and painless as I possibly can for you. My room, tonight at seven. Be there, Larson." Logan turned to leave.

"And if I'm not?" Julian's voice came from behind him.

Logan spun on his heel, smirking. "Trust me, you will be."


End file.
